Alfred Hitchcock Presents

Alfred Hitchcock Presents Quotes

[showing a gun]
Alfred Hitchcock: It is an amazingly simple device. An idiot can operate it, and indeed, many do.

[Hitchcock arrives for his introduction dressed in a safari outfit and pith helmet]
Himself - Host: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to darkest Hollywood. Night brings a stillness to the jungle. It is so quiet, you can hear a name drop. The savage beasts have already begun gathering at the water holes to quench their thirst. Now one should be especially alert. The vicious table-hopper is on the prowl, and the spotted back-biter may lurk behind a potted palm. To take me through this most savage of lands, I have hired a native guide. [He snaps his fingers. An old man joins him, wearing a billboard sign that reads, "Maps of the Movie Stars' Homes - For Sale"]
Himself - Host: He claims to know where I can find the big ones.


Himself - Host: [introducing commercials at the end of the show] I hope you have enjoyed our program. Seeing a murder on television can help to work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, these commercials will give you some.

[afterword]
Alfred Hitchcock: Thus ends tonight's story. After seeing it, I think you'll treat your neighbor more kindly. After all, he may be a former ax murderer. Of course, there's nothing to worry about. He's probably out of practice. I hope you'll join us next time when we shall present another story of mystery and/or suspense. Good night.

[afterword]
Alfred Hitchcock: Well, there's no use taking that book home with us now we've finished it. By the way, in case you are interested, the police learned of Wayne Campbell's connection with tonight's crime... I can't understand why this coat doesn't seem to fit. I just bought it. There seems to be a message stitched inside. "Occupancy by more than one person contrary to law." Well, no wonder. Next time, we shall return with another story. Join us then. Good night.

[afterword]
Alfred Hitchcock: I presume that story was intended to illustrate that blood is thicker than water. I always find it heartwarming to see a family standing shoulder to shoulder in the face of adversity. Unfortunately, the authorities were not thrilled by this sight, and were seen tossing about such phrases as, "obstructing justice," "accessory after the fact," "murder in the first degree." Very nasty. The Princeys received substantial sentences. You see, unfortunately, Captain Smollet didn't play the game. When the police arrived he insisted on his innocence, thus confusing poor Millicent to such an extent that she re-enacted the crime with her father as the victim. Broke the croquet mallet, too. I believe I'll have another. [pours from the teapot, then picks up the milk pitcher]
Alfred Hitchcock: There's no more vermouth. Oh, well. Fortunately, I still have plenty of olives. [drinks]
Alfred Hitchcock: That was exceedingly dry. Next week, we shall be back at the same old stand. Please drop in again. Good night.

[introduction]
Alfred Hitchcock: Good evening. I've been on Mars where I went for the opening of a new television station. It's all part of a scheme to take the best of our cultural advances to the Martians. Or Martinis, as they prefer to be called. They are highly intelligent and my attempts to educate them were quite successful. Within a matter of minutes, they were able to spell out, "Earthman, go home," using my two companions to form the letters. It was very gratifying. As you have doubtless already guessed, tonight's play is entitled "Martha Mason, Movie Star."

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