Married with Children

Married with Children Quotes

Al: Let me tell you something. No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.
Woman: Hey you. Get my shoes.
Al: Yes, Ma'am.


Al: I'm gonna hate these people.
Peg: You will not hate them. They are very nice.
Al: If they were nice, they'd be dead and I'd be at the game.


Al: Oh honey, that again. Come here a second, will ya? Let me tell you something. Now just 'cause I don't go to bed with you doesn't mean I don't love ya. I mean, let's face it, even if you were beautiful — like that girl on TV — I'd still ignore ya. 'Cause you're my wife!


Al: Your wife gave my wife a book, now my life is hell.
Steve: Ah... Thinnergy.
Al: Yeah, that's the one. Does Marcy hate me that much?
Steve: Well yes, Al, she does.


Al: I'd rather slam my nose in a car door. I'd rather have a proctologist named Dr. Hook. I would rather watch Roseanne Barr do a striptease than take these little booger machines camping.

Captain Courage: Navigator, we're sailing to our hideout. Do your job.
Ship's Navigator: Okey-dokey, Captain-Daddy. [a la an airline stewardess]
Ship's Navigator: Now, in case of an emergency, please use the exits located on the starboard and port sides of the ship. And in case of a water landing... Fluvio has many delightful flotation devices already blown up in his cabin. [Captain Courage and the whole crew glares at Fluvio who looks back at them with great embarrassment]
Ship's Navigator: But please, don't grab their chests, for the plastic is wearing thin.

Peggy: Kelly, its time we had a little talk. There is a thing men will want you to do when you get married; it's called work.
Kelly: I'm scared; hold me, Mom.
Peggy: Once you do it though, you'll never have to do it again and there will come a time when your husband comes home smellin' like beer and wantin' some lovin'; you'll follow that fat butt up the stairs because you'll know that no matter how disgusting the next five minutes may be, it's still better than work.
Kelly: Thanks, Mom; you're so wise.
Peggy: Well, you can't sit on a couch twenty hours a day and not learn something.

Peggy Bundy: Are you okay?
Kelly Bundy: I think so. I mean, I'm gonna miss Lonnie, but at least I have something that will always remind me of him.
Al Bundy: A $10,000 wedding debt?
Kelly Bundy: No Daddy, that's yours. I've got this. [shows the diamond ring she still is wearing]
Kelly Bundy: And of course, my loved ones to console me.
Bud Bundy: We're here for you, Kel.
Kelly Bundy: Not you. [Kelly runs and stands in front of her former boyfriends]
Kelly Bundy: Them.

[Al is on trial for assault]
Kelly: Your Honor, I'm here to defend my daddy. D is for daddy. A... is for daddy. D is for daddy, Y is for daddy, I is for daddy, WE is for daddy. The defense breasts!
Al: Uh, Your Honor, if there is a valid lawsuit here, it should be Bundy vs. the Board of Education, because she actually graduated high school!

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