South Park

South Park Quotes

[Stan performing as a psychic]
Stan: Ok, listen to me. Listen *very* carefully. This is a *trick* that I am doing. Ok? Watch. All I'm going to do is say a name that I'm gonna pick at random, ok? [pause]
Stan: They want me to acknowledge... Pete or Peter.
Woman: Yes. Yes, my Peter. [Woman cries and audiance applauds]
Stan: No. Stop clapping. All I did was pick a name at random and wait for somebody in the audiance to give a response. Now that I see a that there is a lone woman in the audiance *crying*, my instinct tells me Peter was her husband. So I say, "Peter was your husband?"
Woman: Yes, yes, yes. My husband, Peter. [Audience applauds]
Stan: STOP IT. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
Man: You knew Peter was dead.
Stan: I didn't start by saying Peter is dead, I start by saying, "They want me to acknowledge Peter." That could have meant that Peter was in the audience or that Peter was somebody's friend or that Peter had died I couldn't be wrong. See? Now, I can look at this woman and can see that she is fairly young so odds are that her husband was fairly young when he died. So I can say something like, "I'm getting that Peter's death was very untimely."
Woman: [sobbing] Yes, it was. [Audiance applauds]
Man: Amazing.
Woman: Ask Peter if he knows my little Billy.
Stan: ...Ok... lets back up. [Audiance takes a step back]
Stan: NOT LITERALLY.

News broadcaster: It appears that the horrible, destructive creature is actually 8-year-old Stan Marsh of South Park. When asked why he was wreaking such havoc on his hometown, the little boy replied, "Me Stan, bachump, ba-chewy-chump, ba-chewy-chump." Back to you in the studio.


Randy: How does it feel to be 102, Grampa?
Grampa: Kill me!


Mrs. Cartman: Eric, I just got a call from your friend Kyle's mother. She said that this show is naughty and might make you a potty-mouth.
Cartman: That's a load of crap. Kyle's mom is a dirty Jew!


Stan and Kyle: Oh my God! They killed Kenny!

Butters: Fellas! Hey fellas! I got it! I got my semen sample!
Cartman: You did?
Butters: Yeah. I was up there poundin' my wiener for two days straight, and finally, I thought about Stan's mom's boobs, and this little tiny spooge of... this white stuff came out.
Kyle: That's great, Butters, but we're not playing Detective anymore. We're playing Laundromat owners.
Cartman: Would you like those pants cleaned for four ninety five?

Chef's Father: [at Chef's rehearsal dinner] Could I have everyone's attention, please? [crowd quiets]
Chef's Father: Tomorrow, my son is gonna get married to a beautiful lady. [sniffles]
Chef's Father: I'm very happy for them both. [begins to choke back tears]
Chef's Father: Ooh, there I go - I told myself I wasn't gonna cry.
Chef: It's okay, pop.
Chef's Mother: Thomas, you're gonna get me going now. [begins to tear up]
Chef's Father: I remember when Chef was just a three-year-old little man, he came runnin' into me with a big smile and his little chef's hat on, and he says to me, "Poppa, poppa." I said, "What do you need, Chef, my boy?" He said, "I need about tree-fitty."
Chef's Mother: Tree-fitty!
Chef's Father: Well, it was about that time I begin to get suspicious. I said, "Chef, my boy, why do you need tree-fitty?" He said, "My imaginary friend Boo-Boo the dinosaur wants it." So I went to my son's room, and sure enough, there was that damn Loch Ness Monster!
Chef's Mother: Lord, it was scary!
Chef's Father: I said, "Dammit, monster, you quit bugging my children, now. We work for our money in this house - we don't just give money away!"

News Reporter: Fighting the Frizzies at 11: 00.

Newsreader: An economic crisis has hit South Park and the nation like never before. Another South Park bank has closed down, leaving thousands of people in debt.
Mr Garrison: It's just crazy, you know? Everyone's affected by it. It's like all the money just vanished.
Stephen Stotch: It's really terrifying. We-we've got no money to pay our mortgage now. We could very easily lose our house!
Butters: Hi grandma! Redneck #1: First the money started going, and now everyone's getting laid off work! They took our jobs! Redneck #2: They took our jobs! Redneck #3: D' took'r jeeeeerbs! Redneck #4: Took'r durbs! Redneck #5: Took'r dur'b!
Newsreader: Just how far will the economy fail? We asked economic reporter, Dan Banks, for his assessment. [Dan pulls out a gun and shoots himself, followed by a loud thump as he falls]
Newsreader: [pause] We'll have the rest of Dan's interview tonight at ten.

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